We went to bed, argument resolved, but still--- that small, nagging feeling of worry turned into full fledged dread as I drifted off to sleep. And that is when I had the most terrifying and vividly realistic dream I think I am have ever had. And I still feel that scary pain of anxious worry in my chest this morning, which is why I am sharing this with you.
In my dream, I was dying. Not a painful blood and guts kind of death. Something that could actually happen to me: my lupus was flaring out of control and the medicine wasn't working. My lungs were hardening and I was ultimately being slowly suffocated. Morbid stuff, I know. It wasn't a dream with random, crazy details like most dreams have. It was so real, and every event that occurred is something that I feel like could (worst case scenario) happen in real life.
So, I was dying and the people I loved most slowly started to pull away from me-- since, I wouldn't be around too much longer. And I was getting worse and the doctors urged that I should just choose my time of death instead of "drowning alive" (their words in the dream). I chose to follow their advice and then was terrified at the prospect of actually dying. ---and what that meant.
I started to wonder, even though I think I would go to heaven, would I? really? I didn't know. I couldn't say. I was panicked, frightened and completely helpless to what was going on around me. This part of the dream was hazy, I just remember thinking how much MORE I could have done. I could have prayed more, and meant it more. I could have done more for others, and I could have treated my husband better. Worry. Could have. Should have.
And then, finally my dream came to a close with my precious baby bella dying. And my friends, family and husband had left me because I wouldn't be there soon. I don't think I can explain how awful it was. And how real. And how important... for some reason or another.
As I sit here this morning I can't shake the feeling of how fleeting and temporary our lives are. And I am not going to go all crazy on you and say that God was speaking to me in a dream, but I am not going to say that its not possible either. Perhaps a not so gentle reminder of what is really important-- and how none of us, not me or you, really have that much time here on Earth.
I know, I am being a debbie downer over here, and what a great way to start the week--- but it feels so important I had to share it. I have been asked maybe ten times in my life "what would happen if you were to die RIGHT NOW?" Usually its by some pastor in a sermon, and you don't really think about it, or its a little more serious and you maybe say longer prayers for a few days and eventually you forget it, and return to your everyday routine. So I don't expect my random dream to make any of you actually ask that question of yourselves for real-- but maybe you will think about it.
I am not sure why I had the dream I had. But I think it was because I need to quit worrying about very small things, and focus on the very big life or death things. Like my relationship with God, and growing and cultivating it every single day. Not letting it be crowded out by worry and fear and anxiousness. Or maybe it was so this morning I could be extra thankful for the blessings that I do have, the ones that are surrounding me all the time. Because I can tell you that I did hug my husband extra long this morning, and squeeze baby Bella extra tight.
For the first year ever, this year feels like a fresh start. A clean slate. And as scary as my sleep was last night, I appreciate that I can start this year out shedding the "worry" that doesn't really mean a thing at the end of the day. I am sorry to be so heavy so early in the week but it was on my heart in such a huge way that I couldn't ignore it.
[awkward segway]And if this post was too morbid, you can scroll down one post and I am still giving away a really cute time keeper accessory from shabby apple. and here are a few more pictures of our New Year's weekend-- because I am not ALL gloom & doom today!
picture on left is totally for erica @ young & fabulous. :) and on the right? I always tend to touch
So for our New Year's dinner we chose Bonefish Grill. There is a Bonefish back in Grand Rapids, Michigan that people always rave about but we have never been so we decided to try it. We called and made reservations and had no problem getting a decent time, even though we waiting until almost 5pm on New Year's Eve! We started with the Ahi Tuna Sashimi appetizer...it was seared on the edges with a sweet and spicy sauce poured on either side of the plate. It was a great starter for sushi lovers!
At the bar I ordered a raspberry martini and husband got a rum & coke. The drinks were strong, and we were good with one!
Husband ordered the chilean sea bass which we didn't get a picture of, and I ordered the filet mignon.
It was okay, nothing too special. It was nicely cooked but not worth returning for. I would definitely choose something else, perhaps a fish dish next time. Husband loved his sea bass, although it was a little on the dry side.
Overall we gave the Myrtle Beach, SC Bonefish Grill an 8/10.
Did you all have a fun NYE?
What did you DO?
oh yeah, and go below to enter the giveaway!
Over & Out,