When I realized Mother's Day was approaching a few days ago a great deal of thoughts and emotions ran through my mind. First was I have to get my mom something while I am home in Michigan. Second was, I am sad I won't be able to spend the day with her. And the last was something unexpected and painful, a little voice whispering It could have been your first Mother's Day. Just typing that small insignificant sentence causes such an ache from somewhere inside of me. I can't say that I expected it, and I can't really tell you where it is coming from. To be honest, I haven't really thought a lot of the difficulties we had with our first two pregnancies. But then, that is sort of like me-- to not focus on the negative. It has been a very useful and not so useful tool as I have navigated my life. On the one hand I have been able to block out and repress negative events, feelings and words in a way that makes them almost non-existent. On the other hand its bad when those emotions make an appearance and demand to be dealt with. And as we all know, they always do. Eventually.
So right now I am sitting here staring my eventually in the face. And I am fighting those feelings, all the ones I had back in December and then again in January. Only this time, instead of being angry and questioning the 'why' I am simply mourning the possibility of what could have been. I wonder if I would have had a little boy or a little girl. Would he or she have had my husband's athleticism, my stubborness? Will I enjoy it when I find out I am pregnant again? Or will I just be frightened by what has happened before? I trust the Lord, and cling to His promises but we all still think these questions in our heads because we are human and its hard to see His plan sometimes.
Having experienced it, I marvel at the immediate change that happens when a woman finds out she is pregnant. I imagine my own mother, finding out for the first time that she was going to have her own little bundle of joy. It is sort of weird to think about that, isn't it? Our own mothers so much like many of us are now, with relatively little responsibility and a lot of freedom. But somehow, immediately we change when we realize what the future holds. We become fiercely protective, brave, constant and unwavering in the things we will do to protect our babies. I didn't get to experience too much of that but I am so thankful for the women in my life who are wonderful examples of the spirit of motherhood.
My own mother is one of those women who has taught me so very many things. For any faults she may have (ahem, the michael jackson obsession perhaps!) , she makes up for it with a fierce love. I don't know how else to describe it. My mom never let my brother or I be placed in harms way. She tried to protect us from every evil and pain the world presented at any cost. She was selfless in that. We were her world and there was no negotiating that. She was at every school meeting, sporting event, recital or play and heaven help you if you stepped a toe out of line when it came to her children. That will be a lesson and quality that I will strive for myself. My husband often speaks about his mothers patience and grace and how important that was and is to him. She still exudes that, always calm and patient, truly an example of love. I am thankful to have such wonderful women in my life .
I can only hope that one day my children reflect on me in some of the same ways. Until then, hug your mom if you are with her today since I cannot be with mine! Happy Mother's Day to all the grandmothers, mothers, mother-in-laws, future moms and moms of angel babies out there!
Over & Out,