When I was younger there was something so exciting about the moment when a plane leaves the ground and starts its ascent. Engines roaring, seat belt fastened, the speed of the aircraft followed by the lift & pull. The change in the atmosphere, ears popping, the trees becoming miniatures of their former selves. Take-off.
It's an adventure: an unknown is ahead, romantic mystery. Thrill. But, these days, the take-off isn't so thrilling as it is nauseating.
I'm changing. In between something I was and something I will be. I think we constantly live partially in these "phases" but its really something to be able to consider oneself unbiasedly and recognize the changing. I want to explore and see and revel in that mystery. --The mystery of an unknown adventure. But I also want the comfort of home, the warm space that is familiar and mine. I want to bound across countries, shake the hands of its people, eat exotic foods I have never heard of, experience sunrise in a new place... but then? Then I want to take a picture of it all, freezing all of the emotion and thrill and hang it on my wall. The wall of a home I return to every single day.
I'm in a phase, neither grown up, but also not young enough anymore to blame my mistakes on age. Life seems more fragile and complicated in ways, but also more joyful and meaningful in others. Life is more satisfying, yet requires so much more from us.
A younger 'me' didn't want to miss out on any of it. Not one single thing. Like a child who places their hand on a hot stove out of inexperience I bravely (or foolishly) made choices that sometimes had burning consequences. Now, those things that I recklessly raced towards seem insignificant in light of the knowledge I have now. My definition of living is night and day compared to those days.
I guess we all get to that point & its a process we can't skip or fast forward. But to experience things now and remember how I would have perceived them in my earlier years is bizarre.
So here is to growing, to changing, to settling. To exploring, and living. To transformations and new beginnings. To comforting unknowns, to taking risks-- some calculated, and some just plain crazy. And to trusting myself ---to trusting ourselves.