The Sweet Season

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Something Personal

14 February 2012

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I have thought about writing this for a while, but as I sit down to do it there just doesn't seem to be any words. When I wrote my year-end review post I mentioned that the husband and I were ending the year in a bit of a rough patch but didn't elaborate much further than that.  I got several e-mails and sweet comments and they really meant so very much.  I knew that some of you had experienced the same thing we were experiencing but couldn't bring myself to talk about it.  Some things you just can't mentally prepare yourself for until it happens.  And when it does, you try your best to process it, pick up the pieces and move forward.  My husband and I can move forward because we have a great faith that underlies everything else, we trust and cling to the Lord and that truly is the only thing that makes life--and everything that brings-- okay.

A few days before Christmas I drove up to Michigan-- I had made an appointment with my rheumatologist and husband couldn't get out of work so I decided to make the trip solo.  I needed to have blood work done to see how "active" the lupus was in my body and also, I wanted to talk to my doctor about the possibility of starting to try to get pregnant.  Back when I was diagnosed, one of the first things my doctor in Denver told me was that it was fairly difficult to get (and stay) pregnant with lupus.  Lupus views the embryo as an "invader" in the body and attacks it and tried to get rid of it.  When a lupus patient is symptom free for a while, and blood work shows the lupus is "quiet" in the body, it is the perfect time to try to conceive and I really wanted to discuss all of this, including what a high risk pregnancy would entail with the extremely talented doctors at University of Michigan.

The day before my appointment, on a whim, I decided to take a pregnancy test.  I saw a barely visible, faint second line and internally freaked out.  I raced to the store and bought several more tests and they all came back with a faint line. My appointment was the next day, and I swear I spent half the day waiting for the official blood work to come back confirming it--- and confirm, it did.  I was beyond excited. I cried tears of pure happiness and probably looked like a crazy person.  I knew I wanted to tell my husband in person and he wouldn't be flying in until Christmas Eve.  While at UofM I bought a baby shirt and socks and wrapped them up.  On Christmas Eve I told my husband and I will never forget his reaction. It was perfect and wonderful and a moment I will always, always treasure.  Although it was soon, we decided to share the news with our families on Christmas Day and we were all so excited and so happy and the possibility of the future--more moments that I will keep with me, always.  As the days passed it became more and more real and we got more and more excited.

The morning came for us to drive back down to South Carolina, and I woke up not feeling very good.  We loaded the car, got Bella ready to go and I ran to take one more bathroom break before we hit the road.  I saw a small spot of blood right away.  Alone in the bathroom I started to cry-- I had read that sometimes this is normal, but I think we know things sometimes subconsciously and I knew that this was not a good sign.  I told  my husband and his parents and we weren't sure wether we should stay or go...    we decided to get on the road because a lot of the time it is normal and can signal implantation and we didn't want to jump to a negative conclusion.

The next few hours were nothing short of hellish. Somewhere in Ohio it got so bad that we headed to the ER.  All I could do was cry, and at triage Jonathan had to sign me in and tell the nurses what was going on because I couldn't speak.  It's funny how quickly I had attached myself to the idea of being pregnant.  And how I knew what was happening even before a doctor confirmed it.  I won't go into the details of being in the hospital--- but I would not wish that experience on anyone.  On top of the pain, you get poked and prodded at and stared at when the staff isn't sure what to say.  What hurts my heart the most about that memory is my strong, sweet husband.  He was completely helpless in the situation and just as devastated as I was, but the entire time he remained positive and strong and just held me while I cried.  The doctor came into the room after a few hours and gave a kind of shrug and told us we might have had a miscarriage and my hcg levels were below 5 meaning there was no active pregnancy.

I had already known that since I had woken up, but hearing it, and being handed papers saying it made it even worse.  We silently left the hospital and got back in the car to complete twelve more hours of driving to get home.  As you can imagine the drive was terrible.  I just wanted to curl up in a bed somewhere and go to sleep and not think about it, but we had to get home and we couldn't stop.

In the week following I went through a slew of emotions.  I remember feeling embarrassed that we had told our families, I felt like I had let everyone down and it was somehow my fault.  I felt mad at myself, like my body had betrayed me, and I ached for my husband who had gotten so excited. In the end, we had to keep reminding ourselves that God was in control of our lives and had a plan for everything.  We knew that something wasn't right with the baby that was forming and it was better for it to happen sooner rather than later.  I know many of you have experienced that type of loss further down the road and I can't even imagine going through that after hearing a heartbeat and seeing an ultrasound.

We clung to each other and to our faith and resolved ourselves to try again, and trust God.  And we did.

And in January the same thing happened.  And honestly, I got mad.  I couldn't understand why this was happening.  And my lupus started to flare a little bit.  We just were so disappointed. But during the time between finding out I was pregnant and then not pregnant, we had checked on our insurance and discovered we do NOT have maternity insurance like we thought.   Basically, if I was pregnant right now, we would be paying for everything out of pocket (and high risk pregnancies have several more doctors appointments and testing done), so I can't even fathom the debt we would be going into right now.   We honestly were not prepared on every front, and as painful as these experiences have been, it has also been a blessing in disguise.

For one, we know that we desire to start a family very soon.  We now know that its not going to be as easy as we thought, and because of my lupus I am going to have to be extremely careful.  And we will also have insurance.... kind of a big deal. We have decided to wait a while and enjoy our time traveling and just having "us" to worry about.   We know that God is going to bless us in whatever way He chooses and we trust that, and we find peace in that.  And honestly, we are in a very good place right now.  We will soon be looking to settle down permanently in Michigan and pursue starting a family and in the meantime, we are loving the time we have just as husband and wife.  We know that chilren change everything and this is a precious time we shouldn't take for granted or rush through.  So we are soaking up the sun in California, and may try to head to Texas before calling this travel thing quits.

I know that so many of you have gone through something like this, or similar to it-- and the more I share it with people privately I am realizing that this is such a common thing.  I wanted to write about this because I want us to all find strength amongst ourselves and know that nothing is wrong with us or our bodies.  And more than anything, God is in control and His plan is perfect. Our faith in Christ anchors us and truly is the only reason we can get through life and be so positive and hopeful.  I have been extremely thankful for this blogging world and the friends I have found and made within it... I truly feel like you all have been a direct blessing from God and I treasure you all more than you know.

Today, on Valentine's Day and in the midst of some of the trouble we have experienced in the past few months, I would like to take the time to thank my husband above anyone else. I can say he is wonderful and amazing but it will never do justice to his character.  He is truly a man of the Lord, strong and unwavering.  Faithful and loyal.  I would never choose to navigate this life with anyone else but him.  I am a richly blessed woman to have him in my life and my life is made whole because I have him by my side.  He impresses me every single day-- I am so thankful God created marriage and love, and I am thankful He chose my Jonathan for me.

Over & Out, 
A

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89 comments:

  1. Beautiful written post, Ashley. I'm sorry...I never knew what had happened. Continue to stay strong and positive. Enjoy your Valentine's Day with your amazing husband. xo

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  2. Oh, Ashley, I am so sorry. Within 7 months of losing my virginity to my high school sweetheart (now husband), I became pregnant and had a miscarriage. What was terrifying for me was that I had no idea I was pregnant until I actually miscarried, and I was 16 and about 8 weeks along. I have never felt so alone or scared, and it changed me. If you ever need anything I'm here. My thoughts are with you and your husband and I really hope that when you two are ready again you will have a healthy pregnancy.

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  3. Ohhhh. :(

    I'm so sorry to hear this. You sound like you have really been able to see the good from it all ... but I know it is easy to write things like that and still be just torn apart.

    Praying for you guys.

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  4. This breaks my heart reading this! You have a wonderful husband to hold your hand and the two of you will get through it together!

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  5. Oh Ashley this breaks my heart reading this. I am soo soo sorry you have had to go thru this. I can only imagine the pain :/

    Your spirit and faithfulness inspires me. You are such a strong woman and hats off to your sweet hubby!

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  6. Stay strong - you were in great hands at U of M. Let us know when you're settled in Michigan.

    Erin
    ErinAndrewEverAfter.com

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  7. Such a beautiful post. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you and Jonathan to go through it. But I'm praying for you that something wonderful will happen soon!! You're an amazing woman and I know God will allow you to be an amazing mother :)

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  8. This makes my heart hurt for you! I have never been through something like this, and I don't even really know what to say. The beautiful way that you just wrote this post seriously brings tears to my eyes. I know that God has a plan for you two, and when that baby finally arrives, it's going to be SO PRECIOUS!!!

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  9. Ashley, I have typed and deleted, typed and deleted - and can't seem to find the right words. My heart goes out to you and your sweet husband. All I know is that you are very brave for sharing your story. It never ceases to amaze me how things really do happen for a reason (even when we don't know it at the time.) You guys will be amazing parents when the time comes, I just know it :-)

    Xo,
    Amira

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  10. I am soo sorry that you have experienced this! I know myself that it is far from easy. Your new plan sounds great and as hard as it is to trust in God's plan, we have to believe it will be worth it!! Take care and enjoy your travels!! P.s Michigan is close to Canada!!

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  11. If this isn't a testament to God's love and faithfulness and watching over us I don't know what is. This is beautiful and keep sharing the love of the Lord. It is an inspiration.

    -Amy
    http://theblankpagesblog.blogspot.com/

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  12. I was never planning to get pregnant when we did. I always thought we would wait about 5 years before we tried for a baby, but God had other plans. Just take time to enjoy each other for a while. Don't rush it. I love Parker more than anything in the world but I'm so glad we had 3 years to just be "us" before he joined us.

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  13. Ashley, God has truly given you a gift for writing that I know blesses so many people on a daily basis and this post is an incredible example of that. I am so sorry that this happened to you and I can't even imagine what you've been going through, but somehow you manage to take all this hurt and pain you're experiencing and distill it down in such a clear, beautiful way that really allows your faith in Jesus to shine through and for you to be such an encouragement to others. I'm praying for you and your hubby, and you are so right about God's timing being perfect. Even though you can't see the big picture right now the Lord will so work all of this out for your good! Love ya sweet sista and happy Valentine's Day :)

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  14. I had the same thing happen to me back in August. I already have had a great, healthy pregnancy. So, I thought this one would be fine. I already went ahead, the day the test was positive, telling our family and friends. (Lets stay, facebook was even in the process)

    Then, finally out three days later, I miscarried. I could not understand what was happening. I remember just staring at my husband, wondering why. Those papers they gave me said, it was a chemical pregnancy. I was heartbroken, because those three short days, I already began planning everything.

    I was beyond happy, I thought Abby would get a brother or sister. The doctors told us to wait, for a couple of months, before trying again. Thats, what we have been doing. There is a part of me that doesn't want to try, because I can not go through another heartbreak.

    I am sorry that you have had to go through this as well. Your an amazing person and one day, it will happen. Trust me. The Lord has his own plan for you and your family.

    Keep your head up and enjoy this time!

    XOXO

    Julie

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  15. My heart goes out to you. And you guys will remain in my prayers that someday you will have a happy and healthy pregnancy.

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  16. you are so brave for posting about this. i'm so sorry it happened. i know a numerous amount of people (my best friend and mom included) that went through a miscarriage and then were able to finally conceive and have a healthy baby. my mom and dad tried for 5 years before they had me. i know you are so strong in your faith (way more so than me), just remember God is perfect in His timing.

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  17. sending so much love and hugs and kisses your way as I know that this was such a hard thing for you to go through :-(

    i cant stress enough the strong support system you have...your hussband, family, friends, bella, US! we are all here for you and you are so right...when the time is right, it will happen and you will have a little prince or princess in your arms soon enough :-)

    Happy Valentines Day to you and Jonathan and I love ya both to PIECES!!! you are so lucky to have such an amazing man in your life and I mean that %1000000!

    MUAH!
    xoxoxo

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  18. Ashley, this post brought me to tears (and I am NOT a big crier!). It was so beautifully written, and you are so brave for sharing. God has blessed you with such a strong man to stand by you and help you through these experiences, and at least you have one another to cling to during times of sadness (and times of joy!).

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  19. Dear Ashley,

    I m so incredibly sorry for your loss. Stay strong in your faith.

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  20. Like I've said before, you are SUCH a strong woman. You are strong for going through this. You are strong for sharing your words, with the whole world. You & your husband are perfect for each other, but I'm sure you already know that ;)

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  21. Ashley reading this post brakes my heart. You and Jonathan are such a amazing people who deserve the best life has to offer. You are so strong for dealing with this twice in such a short amount of time. Enjoy the next few months. I am sure God has something perfect instore for you soon.

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  22. A co-worker of mine just had a miscarriage and it was heartbreaking to see her that hurt and upset. I love when bloggers write post about like experiences like this. It helps others that are going through it and yourself realize your not alone. It brought tears to my eyes reading this.

    When your time is right I will be here reading all your pregnancy updates and awww-ing over baby pictures!! You are meant to be a mommy.

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  23. this truly overwhelmed my heart girl. Your resilience is so admirable. Being a young single christian I often wonder if I will be able to have my own kids... I have no reason to think otherwise its just when you want something so bad like a child it definitely comes to mind. So hearing you speak your testimony and still have faith and hope is just a testament of the GOD we serve. Thank you for the encouraging reality and praise God for His comforter the Holy Spirit :)!.

    Your beautiful darling.

    ♥CheChe

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  24. Hugs to you and Jonathan! Nothing anyone can say will make your experience ok but just know you have tons of friends in the blog world and we are all here if you need us!

    Keep your chin high girl! You are such a strong woman!

    Also, I bet Bella was not ready to share her mommy and daddy yet (just joking, but you need a little giggle in a time like this)! So go hug her, she'll always have your back! =)

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  25. Oh, Ashley ... my heart broke for you and your hubby reading this post ... but you are both strong and have an undeniable faith which I believe will lead you to be able to start a family when the timing is right. I can relate to a lot of your emotions (feeling your body has failed you ect) because I have POF and cannot get pregnant naturally, so I relate ... if you ever need someone to talk to, you know how to find me! xoxo

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  26. Sweet Ashley my heart broke for you as I read this. I can not imagine such a loss but I just want to encourage yoU that as things seem hopeless and hard cling to the promises of God. He knows your heart and desires. He sees your faith in Him and love of a family. He delivers in His perfect time. I hope you and your husband have a wonderful valentines day . Your faith today has truly inspired me
    -Nichole

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  27. My heart aches for what the two of you have been through. But I adore that you two have clung to Jesus. He will get you through this and everything you went through will finally make sense. Never give up hope <3

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  28. I'm so sorry for the hardships you've faced. I will tell you though, my mom has a had lupus for a long time and I have two siblings... so anything is possible. Keep your head up!

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  29. You are so strong and brave for posting this. But I'm glad that you know now, if you didn't before, how much love and support is here for you! I'm sure you will have a healthy amazing child when the time is right! Hope you have a Happy Valentines Day :)

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  30. You are such an amazing person and obviously very strong to share this with everyone let alone to be able to just talk about it. I pray you two will have a beautiful baby someday soon and I will have my fingers crossed for you! You deserve it!

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  31. Oh my god. How absolutely devastating, but wow do you have an amazing outlook on it all. I am so sorry - know that there is a plan for you and your husband!

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  32. As you pointed out, you are not alone, there are way too many of us out there who have struggled through a miscarriage, usually in silence. After a year of struggling with infertility last July my husband and I finally found out we were expecting our first. At 12 weeks I started spotting and ended up in the ER just like you, talk about a shitty experience! I will NEVER go to the ER if I suspect a miscarriage ever again. Anyway, long story short we lost our first and it was the single most devastating experience of my life, anyone who has never had a miscarriage will never understand what it's like, it is absolutely gut-wrenching, soul-sucking. But a mere 8 weeks later I found myself pregnant again and this time all on our own with no fertility drugs. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant and all is still looking good.

    Hoping and praying for you guys that the next one will be the sticky one and thank you for coming out about your experience, no one should suffer through a miscarriage alone!

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  33. Its so heartbreaking that you had to go through this. Im so sorry! But, everything happens for a reasona and one day you will be blessed with the family that you deserve. Keep strong lady and enjoy your 1 on 1 time with your hubby. He sounds like a gem. :)

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  34. My heart nothing short of breaks for you. I have never been in your shoes, but have watched many people go through the exact same things. I do know that God has a bigger plan for all of us than we could ever imagine, or even fathom. Know that whatever he has in store for you is going to be so much greater than any of your dreams, ultimately, they will be answered prayers.

    Look for him for comfort and for hope, but most importantly let him love on you when you need it the most.

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  35. My best friend just went through the same thing, if you're looking for someone to connect with. she wrote about it here:
    http://marizabeth.blogspot.com/2012/01/whole-story-without-regrets.html

    Thinking of you and your family and sending positive vibes!

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  36. You are so brave for posting this and so strong. It breaks my heart to hear you went through all of this. So glad you have a wonderful hubby, pup , family and cyber friends. :) I think you have a great plan for now. Sending you big hugs.

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  37. This was so sweet. I'm keeping you and your husband in my prayers. I believe and follow God, and I know that the right time will come. His plan is the best plan if you wait and listen for his still, small voice. God bless y'all & enjoying your precious lives in sunny California.
    xoxo,
    Lindsey

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  38. thanks for sharing your story Ashley...you are just honest beyond measure and i LOVE you for that because your honesty im sure helps many people! God is the ultimate planner for sure!

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  39. Ashley, thank you so much for sharing and while the story was tough to read thinking about all of the emotions you two have been through, it was beautiful and very uplifting. Hearing you talk about your husband and the gratitude you show for him and God was amazing! Keeping you two in my prayers!

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  40. I am so sorry to hear this. Although I have never had a miscarriage I had some fertility problems and know what that can feel like. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  41. Your words broke my heart, but I know that things will work out the way they are meant to be. Sending you lots and lots of prayers and positive thoughts. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man

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  42. Ashley, this post seriously broke my heart :( I'm so sorry to hear about everything that's going on. You are so brave for posting this.

    Sending lot's of love and prayers for you and your hubs!

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  43. I'm so so very sorry to hear your heartbreaking story. The strength of your your husband, your love and y'alls relationship will grow through the hard times. Just remember Romans 12:12 when you need a little lift!

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  44. I'm so sorry to hear about this. I hope that everything works out for you guys! You are strong and I love to see that!

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  45. Ashley, I can't even imagine how painful this experience was for you and your family. Your story is powerful, and it is amazing that you and Jonathan have clung to each other and to the Lord so tightly. I do hope and pray that He will continue to sustain you as you grieve the loss of your little one.

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  46. Ah! Ashley! I am so sorry to hear about your struggles the past few months. First of all, this has happened to me a few years ago except I don't have lupus. My dr told me 1 in 3 pregnancies are terminated...and most women don't recognize it even. I honestly believe God does have a plan and that everything happens for a reason. I know this is the case with you. I think that when you both are back in michigan and have family surrounding you it will happen easier and you will have so much support with a higher risk pregnancy.

    God has a plan for you (you know this!)

    If you need to talk...I'm here!!

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  47. You are such a strong woman - and your husband's strength and support is something you will remember forever. I am so sorry for all you have had to deal with the last couple of months. Keep your chin up and don't stop believing!

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  48. overwhelmed & humbled by all of your sweet comments! Love you all!

    xo,
    ashley & Jonathan (the husband)

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  49. This post was heartbreaking yet beautifully written at the same time. I'm so sorry to hear this, but you two are so strong and are at the point in life that you are meant to be at! Stay positive xo

    http://dreamingenfrancais.blogspot.com/

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  50. you both will be in my prayers!
    God's timing is oh so perfect, and when that time comes you'll have the most beautiful of children with your husband

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  51. oh sweet girl, i know this is a tough post to write and i really applaud you for it.

    i am so sorry about the troubles you have had... i can only imagine how heartbreaking your experiences have been.

    God knows what he is doing, and it will happen. and you will be an amazing mother.

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  52. Thank you so much for writing this Ashley. It has been a struggle for me too to know that everything is in God's hands...especially the creation of new life. It really is amazing to look around me and realized that we are not alone!
    Thoughts and Prayers!
    -Lauren

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  53. I am so sorry that you and your husband had to go through this. I also wanted to say thank you for writing this. My husband and I have been trying to start a family for a year now and have not had any luck. I was having an especially hard day today with everything and your post brought me some much needed comfort. Best wishes to you and your husband!

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  54. My heart goes out to you guys. I can't even imagine what it's like to go through that. Please know that you guys are in my prayers. :)

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  55. Oh my gosh, I am so sorry Ashley! What a horrible ordeal. I hope that you can one day have everything you desire. We had difficulties have babies and it is a stressful, heartbreaking thing to go through. Now we have 3 little ones. I hope the same happens for you!
    xo

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  56. Oh how awful--I am so sorry to hear about your recent heartbreaks. I will definitely be praying for you and your husband.

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  57. That must have been so hard to write all this down. For some reason, writing things down or saying it out loud makes things a lot worse. But how amazing it is to know that your Heavenly Father has a better plan for you? Think about all the other women who have gone through this and don't have that same aspect on life as you do. They think they are truly going through it alone. Just know that your loving, caring Heavenly Father has a plan for you and your dear husband. :)

    http://breezydaysblog.blogspot.com/

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  58. I am so sorry to hear about your losses. You are such a strong person. Thank you for sharing this story with us.

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  59. This began as a happy story, turned sad, and then ended on a high note: a true testament to your faith. I applaud you for having the courage to write it down. I'm a new-ish follower and I look forward to following your journey of faith and trust in God. :)

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  60. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot fathom what you have been through. I pray you grow stronger in your faith and closer to your husband through this experience, as terrible as it may be. stay strong girly!

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  61. this was heartbreaking to read. I'm so so sorry. I wish there was something I could do. I know this probably isn't much consolation right now, but just have faith that everything happens for a reason.

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  62. Ashley, thank you so much for sharing this. It was hard to read because I can imagine the pain you and your husband are going through - but you have it right - the Lord is going to work it all out for you and bless you through it and because of it. And I think you're encouraging so many other women who have gone through or who are going through the very same.

    Sending you love, sister!

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  63. Ashley,

    Thank you for sharing this beautifully written, deeply personal experience. I cannot imagine the sense of loss you must have felt....it's amazing how much God can expand our love in such a short period of time.

    I'm glad you've found the "silver lining" and are able to see God's plan in all of this. You and Jonathan will be wonderful parents and you'll have a perfect, easy pregnancy, when it's His time.

    Prayers & Love to you!

    Em

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  64. I am so sorry that you guys had to go through this. I can't tell you how many friends that have gone through this. It is SO COMMON and yet no one ever talks about it. I'm sure you are a blessing to so many people in the same boat.

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  65. Ashley, I am just so sorry to hear this. I am so touched by your story. I can't imagine going through what you are and how hard it must be. I will pray for you and your husband and keep you in my thoughts! Stay strong. Thanks for sharing your story. You are so lucky to have such a sweet husband!

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  66. Ashley! I am so sorry for your loss! I can't imagine going through that once much less multiple times. My heart goes out to you and your hubby and I will pray that God will bless you with a happy and healthy family! I have no doubts that he will though! :) Thank you for sharing this with the blog world it was very, very well written.

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  67. i love you. you know this. my bbf for life. i mean come on..FIRST BEST BLOG FRIEND. you are stuck with me forever. you are strong, brave, and amazing.

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  68. Wow, that could not have been easy to write but thank you so much for sharing. I have a couple of friends who have experienced miscarriage and it seems like it's such a "mum" topic when it really shouldn't be! You have such a great outlook and faith which is why when it does happen it will be perfect.

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  69. i enjoyed every single sentence of this post. You have no idea how proud and happy i am for you that you found the strength to put it out there and finally share with the people that follow every step of the way. Things happen for a reason love, you just experience that. It really sucks that you had to go through all that but you have family friends and an amazing man by your side that will never judge you or feel like you let them down.


    i am here if you need anything!
    :) a big hug to you


    xoxo
    MELINA ♥
    www.onlyaflightaway.blogspot.com

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  70. I am so very sorry for your loss. As you stated, it's something that does happen more than you think (I lost our first pregnancy as well), but it is never easy. Praying for you.

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  71. I am so sorry to hear of this, but reading this post, I am rejoicing in your faith. I love how beautifully you write about God and His plan and your love for your husband. The strength of your relationship truly shows in your writing, and that makes me happy for you. I will pray for you that God blesses you both with a family and a healthy pregnancy in His time. Thank you for sharing your story. Your faith encourages so many, myself included :)

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  72. you are one amazing lady! depsite everything that has gone on...you still remain faithful and believe in God's plans. your faith is simply an inspiration! i hope and pray your dreams come true of starting a family one day! thank you for being so honest!

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  73. Ash, I wish there were some magic words that I could say right now. My heart goes out to you and your husband and I hope that the future brings better news for all your hopes and dreams. You guys are in my prayers~

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  74. Thank you, you just confirmed the reason why I blog! I blog to find AMAZING women like you! Your faith and the faith of your husband is amazing!
    My heart goes out to you guys! But I also know that God has a plan.. and everything will happen in his perfect timming!

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  75. This is such a touching post and you are such a strong and amazing woman for being willing to put this out here so many others who have gone through the same thing, but feel like it doesn't happen to anyone else, can be comforted.

    Trust me, a lot of my friends have children, and SO many more couple go through this than we think. And you will eventually be blessed with a full pregnancy when God decides it's the right time for you :)

    You guys are going to be an amazing mommy and daddy one day, but I'm also glad you have found strength in each other and are enjoying your time just the two of you!

    I wish I could reach through the computer screen and give you a huge hug right now!

    xxx
    Jenna

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  76. I couldn't help but see myself in this post. I recently had a miscarriage, and I know the strength it takes to tell your story in such a public forum. I do also know that for me, it was so helpful to get it all out, and the support I received back was incredible. Just remember that you are not alone in this and that the world has plans for you. I have faith you'll pull through this. All my best to you.

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  77. Thanks so much for sharing your heart. As I read this I felt like I was crying with a friend. God is in control and has more amazing plans for you than you can even dream up.

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  78. Ashley,
    Thank you for sharing this. I know that it was probably not easy to write this. I am sorry that you and your husband have had to go through this. I know that God has a plan for your lives and it will all happen in His timing.

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  79. You are so brave for talking about it. I know it will help others that are struggling with the same issues! Love you!

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  80. sorry i'm blowing up all your posts but i read this on tuesday and never got a chance to comment. i know how hard this was for you to go through but I also know what a strong woman you are. And i'm so happy you have such an awesome husband and cute furbaby and amazing blog friends (too much?) ;) to be there for you. lots of love to you guys! OXXO

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  81. I am so so sorry for your loss, I can relate, i think this area is one of Satan's biggest playgrounds....
    peace be with you..

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  82. It has literally taken me all week to think of what I wanted to say and how to word it correctly. So many people can say that they "know how you feel", but no one truly does, even if they themselves have experienced it. Loss of a pregnancy is a truly hard experience, and nothing anyone says can make it feel better. You are brave to talk about it (something I still can't do about mine), and you are truly blessed to have such an amazing support system to get you through this. I wish you all the best and I hope that one day soon you will be a beautiful momma to a beautiful little baby.

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  83. New reader here...sorry for your loss. I just wanted to add that if your insurance doesn't offer maternity coverage, which sadly a lot don't these days, you can look into getting supplemental insurance (like from Aflac-- they have a personal sickness policy- which has a maternity benefit). It doesn't pay as much as regular insurance, but it's better than nothing. You have to take it out before you get pregnant though.

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  84. Thank you for sharing your story...you are an amazing woman, so strong. I know there are so many of us here for you when you need it... Thinking of you.

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  85. Ashley,

    I loved this post so much I featured it for Lots of Link Love over at my blog, Stress Case.

    Lots of Link Love is a biweekly link-up where we spotlight our fellow bloggers for exceptional posts they have written over the weeks.

    I would love if you shared that you had been spotlighted (there's a button you can use!) and if you considered linking up with me for the next Lots of Link Love on Thursday, March 8th!

    http://stresscasey.blogspot.com/2012/02/lots-of-link-love_22.html

    xoxo
    Casey

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  86. This brought me to tears, miss Ashley. It is beautifully written through a terrible circumstance. Thank you for sharing your heart, being so transparent. It is very obvious what an incredible relationship you and Jonathan have, and you are blessed in that! I understand how much your heart hurts for those babies.. I am so so sorry :(

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  87. Hi Ashley! Thank you so much for sharing your story! I too am a newlywed and my husband and I are hoping to start a family in the next few years. I have had some small health struggles and I wonder about not being able to get pregnant sometimes. Most of my friends are starting to expand their families and I worry that I will be the one that can't conceive and it scares me. It helps to know that there are brave people like you in this world sharing their story though! You are amazing, and I believe that God will bless you and your husband with something much bigger than you expected! :)

    Katie<3
    www.enchantedairforcewife.blogspot.com

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I will now be replying to comments right here on this thread! wahoo! And even if I don't get to your comment, please know I read every single one! I also always answer emails! ashley@adventuresofnewlyweds.com